A Flicker of Light

A flicker of light.

Bright. Penetrating. Beautiful.

Yes, you came in a flicker of light

The room swirling in its dark, cool stillness. The hand of your Daddy gently holding mine. The lump in my throat lying in wait until the moment she uttered, “See that? The little flicker of light? We have a heartbeat.”

And without effort, the lump became a flood of tears, the hand, a kissing hand and the room, a warm cocoon.

Yes, you came in a flicker of light.

But then they came.

Two weeks. Two hours. Two words. “It’s gone.”

And yet?

I melt at Maddie’s gummy smile.

Flicker.

I brush Sophie’s hair back from her eyes.

Flicker.

I fight the battle of the toothbrush with Drew.

Flicker.

I catch a glimpse of your Mimi in Grace.

Flicker.

Would you have had that gummy smile? Would you have had brown hair, brown eyes, or maybe blue? Would you have blown morning breath in my face just to get an audible, “EWWWW!?” Would you have looked like me, like her, like him?

Yes, you still come in a flicker of light.

Each year the glow is brighter. Each year I know I’m closer. Each year the hope is stronger.

But in every step forward, I find myself letting go of a body that is strong, a plan that happens, a story that bends to my want. Because I’ve traded it for something greater.

What began as a flicker has infused my heart with the flame of an open hand. I do not hold things so tightly now. I do not desire my want so keenly. I do not fear death so heartily.

Instead, my heartbroken has given way to homesick.

In a call that draws me Home so deafeningly, I cannot wait to fulfill His purpose in me today. I cannot dissuade my heart to still until tomorrow or next year or when my hair is gray and my body, wrinkled.

I cannot.

So, I carry your light into ER’s and CT’s and exam rooms. I carry your light as a reminder of the fragility of this shell, this life, this journey. I carry your light in and out and up and down and all the way around my hurt and heartache and failing flesh.

I carry you.

Because in a flicker of light…

Bright. Penetrating. Beautiful.

You came.